The Lord is continually resuscitating my heart. By that I mean He’s continually doing a new work in my own heart. Isn’t it so easy for us to think God needs to be working on the hearts of those we love, that maybe our heart isn’t the problem? Truth is we all need close introspection by the Maker of our hearts on a regular basis. It smarts to realize our hearts aren’t always broken for the right reasons or that our hearts are beating for the wrong ones.
As I took a much-needed walk outdoors with some of my children recently, I noticed many beautiful things. On this brisk, gray day, one particular piece of nature stood out to me.
A rotting log.
It’s not just any rotting log though. It’s been in this spot on a hillside of our property since before we moved here, which was more than several years ago. The log has been in the process of rotting a long time.
This got me pondering. A lot. Why does this process take so very long? And how does it happen naturally? As to the first wondering, I didn’t come to any immediate conclusions, but the second one had me quickly thinking of termites and other insects as well as decay.
Wait a minute? Decay? Really Lord?
My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26
This rotting log is actually quite beautiful. The photos don’t do it justice. Since it is winter here, the insects are dormant but evidence of their work could be seen clearly. As I looked inside the hollow spaces created in the log by decay and rot, I realized something hugely important. The log is being transformed! I noticed piles of rich organic matter on the ground around the log and I also noticed so much life growing right there.
At first glance, it might seem a rotting log is just that. Rotten and dead. I realized though as I listened to the giggles and explorations of my children that this rotting log was reminding me of the work of sanctification within my own heart! God digs out what is rotten and decaying and in its place He fills it with His richness … if only I’m willing to be laid bare.
The past five plus years have been heartbreaking in our family. First and always under the surface is a walk no parent would ever dare to face. It’s not one we would have ever chosen. No Momma should hear her little girl implicate her own older brother as the perpetrator of sexual reactivity against her. Oh sweet Jesus have mercy on our family. It didn’t end there. Oh how I wish it had. Since that day of disclosure, we’ve endured residential treatments, suicide threats, countless therapies, appointments with department of children and family service workers, isolation from Christian communities we trusted to walk alongside us, did I already mention therapy and more therapy. Brokenness beyond belief.
As I studied that rotting log, I saw a glimpse into my own heart. A reminder of how faithful God is to dig out what is rotten and transform it into rich organic matter that can be molded and shaped as only the Potter can. Oh my soul REJOICES for all the Lord has done! GREAT AND MIGHTY WORK!
For God, who said, ‘Light shall shine out of darkness,’ is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.” 2 Corinthians 4:6-10
The son of mine who victimized my daughter … oh how I’ve fought for him. Truth is I would fight to the death and fight anyone too who tried to harm or disparage the character of one of my children. Recently two instances left my heart in tatters, though I don’t think either lady who spoke of my son knew the hurt she inflicted. The words each of them spoke weren’t untrue, but at the same time they absolutely were unfair and unfounded. I know this is somewhat veiled and rightly so, but the point is I was so crushed not for myself but for this son of ours who has endured more trauma in his own life of less than 20 years than most of us would ever come close to facing in an entire lifetime. He was adopted so that right there enlightens you to a lot he’s faced. In addition, he’s faced a major medical journey and life-threatening illness, culture change as an elementary-aged child, sexual abuse, trauma after trauma. Yes he victimized another and it’s a wrong he’s paid dearly for and continues to walk out consequences for, but he’s been a victim himself many times over.
When these two ladies spoke of him in a way that portrayed him … well I can’t even type it out … I was undone. The two ladies spoke at different times and in different capacities—one as a professional and another as my friend (though I still doubt her motives based on her delivery).
All I know is in those two moments, I felt a Mama Bear welling up in me that I’ve never felt in his more than 10 years home. It was fierce. I was ready to fight tooth and nail for him. I was ready to walk out on a meeting and quite frankly I was ready to literally walk right out of that restaurant and a friendship too. I’ve since gained clarity but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t put up some walls again with the friend as I’ve learned to do so many times in recent years—she can’t be trusted and you need to move her back to an outer circle (and I have in terms of what I will share in the future). She’s now on a need-to-know basis and there is a lot she just doesn’t need to know, not because I was looking for validation or agreement, but because I was looking for support and godly wisdom and yes, encouragement. There’s enough discouragement and untruths coming at us from all sides and angles. With the professional, my husband and I just took her comments as a closed door which led to only peace for us; she was kind and understanding and God knows our hearts and His future plans whatever they may be. As for my son, yes, I’ve fought hard for him before but I did it more out of obligation and commitment than because of a deep-seated Mama Bear feeling deep inside. There was a shift and it’s been a long time coming. Years in the making! GOD IS SO VERY FAITHFUL!
If you’re an adoptive Momma or any kind of Momma in the trenches, please hear this. God is creating in YOU a clean heart! He’s at work in the brokenness and He’s working in your own brokenness. It may be rotten now, but the decay won’t last forever. God is redeeming that which the locust has taken. He is always at work.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26